crying in front of strangers (tw: suicide)

I've been participating in a zoom social mixer for a couple weeks now. I'm enjoying it to some degree. New people, similar mindsets, generally fun conversations. Today we had two new people, but one in specific was a death doula.

I'm not completely unfamiliar with the job. I've known at least two birthing doulas or doulas-to-be in my lifetime, and I'd heard that death doulas were a thing. This past year has resulted in death being a thing on my mind in the background, whether I want it to be or not.  My mother is getting older and talks about dying at times, much to my chagrin; I've had six-degrees-of-COVID with a few of my friends and relatives of my spouse. 350,000 U.S. Americans have died from this virus. 9,061 of that number live in my state.  That's 2.5% of the country.  We are #4 on cases in the country in the past week; #8 for deaths.  It's hard to just... pretend that those numbers don't weigh on my mind. 

So the DD talks about how she runs death cafés, briefly talks about "glorifying suicide" and I find myself triggered. I've attempted. I've had family members go through with it. Those memories and experiences came rushing back to me, and I had to do measured, counted breaths to calm down.  Even so, I somehow found myself sharing my experiences with Toulouse and with Naomi. And I cried.

There was a lot of genuine empathy from everyone present. It felt like a relief, not being judged or shamed or fearing that I was talking too much about hard things and just... yeah. And thankfully it didn't continue in that direction, because I felt all the energy just drain out of me after it was over.  As soon as the mixer came to its natural end, I peaced out and took something like a 2-3 hour nap.

Chris thinks I should try group therapy. He's brought it up before. I don't feel comfortable or safe talking with people I don't know. I think the only reason I was able to discuss my experiences today was because I've started to become familiar with these people. Even moreso, it's... I feel so much emotion when people talk about death. I don't know how to separate myself from a situation happening in front of me. I don't know how to not end up triggered by their discussion and find myself lingering on my own experiences. I don't know if I could honestly handle a group setting.

I will talk about it with Nicole on Monday, though.