Let's try this again, shall we?

Hello there. 

I used to have an online presence once. More than once. On a couple different platforms. Things are a little different now. I still try to keep under the radar (for a few reasons), but I'd like to try and do this again. I missed it. Facebook isn't really doing it for me the same way anymore. I'm keeping it for work and for staying in touch with my long-distance friends who do not have Discord. I don't want to go back to previous platforms, mostly because the culture of those platforms just don't feel welcoming to me anymore.

I finished DBT class November of '22. It's been slow going and kinda difficult with EMDR because of my aphantasia. Many days it just ends up being talk therapy. I've been processing and reanalyzing my feelings about the bad periods of time in my life.

For example: I came to the realization a few days ago as to why I am so resentful/bitter with CAI: it's because her choices basically eliminated what childhood I still had left to live. The whole family dynamic changed. 

Found sibling, when I shared my feelings after discovering something that was said recently (the intrusive urges made me look), had this to say to help ground me:

I don’t have to remind you not to care about her thoughts and opinions; nor that you don't have to have a relationship with her kids to be a good person.. You lived with her. She is nothing to you-- not better than you --and you owe her nothing. You don’t even have to engage. And if you do, you can just say, “You’re wrong, but you do you.” Give her no power. [You have] the sisters [you] choose. The prior name had a sister by blood.

Those words really, really helped. It was a moment of insecurity, and unfortunately for me found sibling wasn't present to help me in the moment itself; that said, I was still ruminating on it. Semi-related, I started writing a eulogy-I'll-never-give for each of them. I might do a cord cutting ritual in the future, but right now I don't really have the workspace to do it. I have other things to focus on.

Another friend-sibling of mine is in the process of transitioning housing/living circumstances. She's mentally-emotionally stretched to the limit and has been leaning on me hard for support since I'm local. It's giving me the opportunity to try being sympathetic rather than empathetic/taking-on-her-problems-as-my-own with mixed results.

I need to do a few chores, so I'll come back and write more later as a separate entry.